They say time heals all wounds
But I believe it’s a lie
The wound just scabs over
And the scar remains
A constant reminder of the battle you’ve lost
The heartbreaking journey you’ve made
And the hardships you’ve overcome
For me, time wasn’t a healing remedy
It just numbed the pain
These wounds will never heal
Which means I shall never fully recover
As for now, I will trace my scars
In hopes of figuring out where I went wrong
People are manipulative
And deceiving
Day after day I’m fed the same lies
Like, “I’ll always be here for you”
Or, “You can trust me.”
And the list goes on
Stop feeding me lies
You stabbed me in the back
And left before I could even finish this poem
Farewell
A simple date on the calendar
It could bring you joy
As you count down the days
And prepare for the occasion
Or it could cause you pain
A downward spiral
You sit there miserable
As you count down the minutes
But not to prepare
To wait till the dark day is over
Today I’m counting down the seconds
It feels like I’m getting my heart yanked out of my chest all over again
Time stands still
And the hours, feel like an eternity
I would do anything to make today a joyous day, like it once was
But you and I were on different pages
In two different books…
My definition of forever was different from yours.
We made a promise.
It meant nothing to you, but everything to me.
Our love was “forever.”
At least that’s what it was suppose to be.
I was dismissed.
No hesitation. No explanation.
You said our love was forever.
But in reality, it was temporary.
A temporary forever.
If this is how long forever lasts, than I don’t want to love anyone forever ever again.
Life gets overwhelming at times
Constantly being compared to others
Endless responsibilities
It’s like I’m playing a tug a war, with myself
With my thoughts
With my emotions
When will this all go away
I’m tired of randomly crying
I’m sick of worrying about nothing
About everything
About worrying
Everyday I feel alone
No one to talk to
No one to lean on
I’m always there for them
With unconditional love
But no one is ever there for me
It doesn’t seem fair
Maybe I’m not as important as the rest
Even when I’m with my own friends
I feel like I’m being left behind
The odd one out
It’s them and then me
Me and then them
Never in unity
Always divided
I don’t blame them
Because I’m a burden
Holding people back
No one deserves to have the junk on my mind dumped on them
They must never know
I’d rather not be judged
Or looked at differently
But keeping these secrets kills me inside
I just want someone to listen to me
I am incapable of love
He broke me down that much
The simple thought of love scares me
No longer can I look at another man
Even though the one I wanted first, finally wants me too
It feels like I’m a super villain
Leading him on
Knowing what I know
Every time I look at him I think of my previous love
Whenever he touches me I wish that instead of him, it was my previous love
With every kiss that’s planted on my face, I imagine the taste of my previous love
He confesses his love to me, but in my mind i can only hear the “I love yous” of my previous love
What’s the matter with me ?
At last, the one I wanted, wants me
But the one I need, no longer needs me and that’s all I think about
It’s as if I committed a crime
I ran away with his heart
Then just vanished
He was expecting reciprocity
But all I did was rob him
Rob him of the chance of real love
I’m in too deep
I wish I could take it all back
No matter what I do, I always manage to mess it up
My wildest dreams came true
I got him
The one I had a crush on all these years
This is the kind of thing that only happens in movies
He chose me
But I can’t return the love
All the love that lived in my heart, is now gone
A vacant heart due to foreclosure
It was all used up
The payments grew to be too much
Love doesn’t dwell in my heart anymore
It’s still hitchhiking waiting for my previous love
Wishful thinking
My love is rebellious
One day I hope it returns home
So it vacates the heart of my potential love
Time is running out
I don’t want to break his heart
I don’t wanna ruin love for him, like my previous love did to me
That is a pain that never goes away
A scar that never heals
A memory that doesn’t fade
Never did I imagine that I would be as cruel as my previous love
Damaging others like he did to me
How does one become so cold ?
The guilt is eating me alive
Why can’t I return the love ?
Every day I grew more numb
Love is no longer a commodity I can give out
All thanks to my previous love
He continues to complicate my life
Even when he’s long gone
My potential love is blindly facing the consequences of my previous love
He never stood a chance
I wanna keep my eyes closed
I don’t wanna see my potential love crumble because I am incapable of love
Please know that I’m sorry
I never meant for this to happen
One day I hope you receive all the love you deserve
If not from me, from another woman
Because you deserve nothing but the best kind of love
The kind that you get back
You’re my best friend
And once you discover these words on this page
I understand if you never speak to me again
All this is my fault
I hope we continue being friends
Honestly, I don’t know what I would do without you
You know my darkest secrets, but you still look at me as if I am perfect
Even though I’m far from it
It kills me that instead of repaying you for all that you’ve done for me
I’m breaking your heart without you even knowing
Please forgive me
That day might not be today or even years from now
But the thought of you hating me hurts me beyond belief
Deep inside I know this could have been a beautiful love
One never experienced by no two people before us
Or one that won’t be experienced long after we’ve both perished
Our potential love couldn’t have ever been duplicated
But my previous love ruined all our chances
Because his footprints are still visible in all areas of my heart
His presence still lingers inside of me
We can’t experience our potential love
All because I’m incapable of love
All the nights I sit and cry.
Well now I realize that you probably don’t do the same.
As you visualize and fantasize about another woman.
Another woman who played with your mind and tore us apart with little effort.
And now I hate myself that I sit and cry.
That I visualize and fantasize about you.
About you and not another man.
Believe it or not, I still love you.
My mind, heart, or soul could not be corrupted by an outsider.
But for you, it was so easy.
You turned the other cheek.
No formal goodbye, no real explanation.
I’m left here weak.
Even though you broke my heart I still visualize and fantasize about what we could be.
I mean, what we could have been.
Me and you versus the world.
You and I forever and always.
But you’re lying in bed thinking of her as I sit here thinking of you, of us.
Thinking about where I went wrong.
Thinking about what’s wrong with me.
Sleepless nights wondering if I wasn’t enough.
Restless nights pondering on and on about my flaws. What I did wrong. And if there was a way to avoid this.
But she was more powerful.
She waltzed in and casts you under her spell.
And just like that, you were gone.
Off to a distant land with your new lover.
I was disposable.
Now I lay her and I visualize and fantasize about the wonderful life I’ll have, without you.
I got everything I’ve always wanted. I have everything I need. But why do I feel so empty?
There’s something missing. Contemplating. Day and night. Night and day.
I’m on a dead end journey. Searching, endlessly. What exactly am I looking for? What happens if I never find it?
A dark shadow appears before me. I run after it.
I chase after the shadow as if my life depended on it. Finally, I grasp on to the arm of the mysterious creature.
IT was a she, and she is me.
I take a step back. We stare at one another. I envy her. She looks back at me with disgust.
She was free, happy, and warm. I was broken, depressed, and cold.
Now it all makes sense. I was looking for myself.
You think you know me? Well guess again. You may know my name, parts of my personality, and the things I enjoy. But you don’t know my story.
You don’t know the things I’ve been through. You don’t know the adversity I face daily. You don’t know the struggle I overcame.
You don’t know that I cry some nights because it all gets overwhelming. You don’t know why my anxiety is so bad. You don’t know the reason behind the sleepless nights, appetite loss, or the silence.
You can’t even tell my real smile from a fake one. Or a real laugh from a fake one. Wow. You definitely know me.
My name is Fadumo. I’m a girl who stays positive for everyone, but herself. One who puts everyone’s happiness before her own. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy. Well, I like to think I am. But I am also damaged. No, I won’t tell you why. You’ll just run like he did.
My story is a burden. It tears down sturdy relationships without any effort. No one truly wants to help me. Or understand what I’ve been through. They just want to know for their own selfish purposes. I am all I have.
And I’m suppose to sit here and listen to you say you know everything about me? Guess again.
I don’t know if I still love you. I don’t know if I miss you, us, or the way I felt when I was with you. Maybe it is all of the above ? Maybe I’m just too angry to admit how I really feel ? Maybe I don’t feel anything at all anymore. I do know one thing. No matter what I do, I still think of you. Why is that ? You did me wrong. You gave up on us. You got bored and kicked me out of your life. I’m heartbroken. Well, I’m too numb to feel anything.
I wonder if you still think of me. I wonder if you love me. I wonder if you EVER loved me. I wonder how you’re doing. I wonder if you regret giving up. I wonder if you’re happier now.
I need to get you out of my head. But it’s impossible. How do you stop loving someone who was your world. Your everything. Your one and only.
He was the one I gave my fragile heart to. He gently held it in his hands for a while. But one day, he squeezed it with all his strength. It stopped beating. With his blood stained hands he pushed me away. He squeezed the life outta me.
I fell limp to the ground. It took a while, but I got up. I got my heart back. He held it hostage for a year and a half. I pick up the remaining pieces of my heart. All that’s left is a ball of goo, oozing with pain.
I need someone to nurse my heart back to health. But what happens if he is the only that’s capable of doing that ?
From now on, I will keep the remains of my heart locked up. Away from anyone and anything. I’m trying to preserve the little life that’s still left in it. And with each day that passes, I hear it’s faint beating. Slow and quiet. One day my heart will be capable of love. That day won’t be coming any time soon though. And even when that day comes, my heart will never love the same.
I won’t trust my heart with anyone but myself. I refuse to give it to anyone else ever again. I shall love with my heart in my possession. That way, I’ll have no one to blame but myself.
Fadumo W. 